Defy the Statistics

To clarify the last blog….


After reading my opinion on why it is a good idea to move in together before marriage, many people felt that I was giving bad advice because statistics say the opposite. Statistics show that, “more than eight out of ten couples who live together will break up either before the wedding or afterwards in divorce.” (Fowler, Statistics on Living Together before Marriage, www.rayfowler.org) This statistic fails to acknowledge that the likelihood of divorce or separation was always there, it just took moving in together to help people realize that they were not meant to be together; while it is valid, it does not delve into the reasons that people get married or why they get a divorce. People do not base their decision to marry on science they base it on emotion so unless you are marrying someone because it is a good decision statistically speaking statistics such as that should be taken with a grain of salt.

If you are thinking that someone is the ‘one’, then yes move in together to see whether or not you are compatible for the long haul. People should only move in together if they are planning to get married, it is done as a trial run, not as a way of trapping people into marriage. Most people when they move in together start to combine their lives right away and this is a bad idea. When you do move in with each other, you should retain your separate lives. It is not a good idea to ‘pretend’ that you are married. You should leave you bank accounts separate, you should still do activities without your partner, etc… The point of moving together is to see firsthand exactly who you are committing to spend the rest of your life with, not so you can play house.

The biggest mistake that people make after they move in together is that they realize things about each other that could be problematic in the future and they ignore them, because they ‘love’ each other. If at any point you think to yourself “hmm this could be problem” or “I don’t think I could deal with this the rest of my life,” then you two should reevaluate your relationship. If the problems are fixable, then fix them before you decided to walk down the aisle. If you cannot fix them before walking down the aisle, then the chances of you fixing them are unlikely and you will end up divorced. Most of the time people think that the problems will be fixed when they get married, but the problems only multiply when you are husband and wife. As a wife, or as a husband there are natural expectations set on both people and if you cannot live up to those expectations as roommates, why would you ever think that you could live up to them after you are married. There is no magical power in marriage. The power in marriage is based on the two people involved and if they are not capable of working the problems before marriage then they will not be able to just because they got married.