Effective Communication

It is funny how people can never understand what went wrong in failed relationships. People complain to others and whine about what his or her significant other is doing, or that they do not understand why he or she is behaving a certain way, but do they ever stop where it all took a turn for the worst. The majority of relationships fail because there is a lack of communication. The world is blind to the art of effective communication and often confuse arguing with communicating.


Communication is a two way street, with stop signs and signal lights. People have to listen just as much as they speak and they have to know the appropriate times to stop and times to go. Each premise is based on the situation at hand, but here are a few ground rules to ensure that each person if effectively communicating and will not have an argument that ends their relationships.

1. Before two people even start to address and issue, both must understand that it is not about winning or losing, it about achieving a tie. Communication is associated with the other bad ‘c’ word compromise. Even after both parties have gotten their point across they are still left with figuring out what to do about it. Good communication is the realization that both partied have to adjust their points of view if they want the turmoil to settle.  There has to be a conclusion where both parties feel that they are not being taken advantage of or walked all over.  If one person always gets their way and the other person is always negating their own needs, the problems will never be resolved and resurface later in their realtionship.

2. Never use, “You make me feel.” Never use, “I feel.” When communicating say “This makes me feel.” Addressing the issue and not yourself or the other party establishes objectivity to the subject that makes people more willing to listen and understand where the person is coming from.

3. It is ok to let people take a time out if the argument starts to become heated. However, when each returns, instead of jumping right back in, each party needs to regurgitate what the other was saying. For example, “When we were talking I heard this….am I not understanding you right?” This will give the other person a chance to clarify their position, and move forward. This is the important thing to do after a ‘time out’ because it eliminates the possibility of the intense argument to continue.

4. In relevance to number 3, never go to bed angry! Issues must be discussed when they occur so they can nipped in the butt before a molehill turns into a mountain. Moreover, most people who go to bed angry just wake up even angrier because they have stewed over it all night.

5. This is the most important rule: Never bring up the past! U-turns are illegal on the road to good communication, unless the past is brought up to establish empathy from the other person. For example, “Do you remember the time when I came home late and it upset you because I didn’t call to tell you that I was ok? This situation is making me feel the same way.” People need to bring the situation into a light where the other person can understand where he or she is coming from. But it is never ok to bring up the past to point the finger because it is counter-productive in the relationship and makes them feel like they are being attacked.

6. In conjunction with number, six people have to stick to the topic. It is never ok to start making personal attacks. When people start to become frustrated because the other person does not understand their point of view, they resort to name-calling. “You’re stupid” “You’re crazy” Comments like those are hurtful, add fuel to the fire and will start a brand new argument.

If people keep these six rules in mind there is no argument to big to resolve. Happy Communicating!!!