Significant others often question our happiness. "Do I make you happy?" "Are you happy in our relationship." "You don't seem happy." Blah blah blah. Reality is no one is ever happy all the time and expecting you to be happy all the time is unrealistic and slightly annoying.
When assessing you partners disposition of your relationship do not ask whether or not they are happy, ask whether or not they wake up each morning with a sense of joy. A relationship worth being in is not one that makes you happy, but one that brings you joy. Joy is a concrete foundation that is not swayed by emotion.
Happiness is an emotion. A person's happiness will change from day to day; minute by minute. Things as small as coming home to a clean house can make them happy and something as insignificant as having to remind someone to take out the trash, for the second time, can make them unhappy.
People can experience happiness, frustration, sadness, etc... all in one day, but if they have joy in their life they will be content in any situation. Joy is the spark in all relationships worth investing your time and energy into. Joy will keep things burning even when the infallibility of our emotional state makes us think that things are starting to fizzle out. It will give us the energy to work through everything and have a relationship that will last a lifetime not a few years.
The next time you decide to question your partners happiness do not ask them if they are happy, but ask them if they woke up this morning feeling joyful.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
BULLS#!+
Unfortunately, the dating world is full of liars and exaggerators. Dating is a lot like poker, everyone is bluffing and everyone is trying to come out on top regardless of how much it takes to win. Most antis are harmless. Telling someone that you work out five days a week, when you really only go to the gym when your schedule allows it, is something that can be laughed about when the truth is reveled; no harm no foul. Besides most people can call out that bluff based on your outside appearance.
However, some antis are unacceptable and need to be called out the minute that you detect that something is not right, like whether or not someone has a girl friend or is married. It is not feasible to ask every new person you meet whether or not they are already attached. First off, if they are hitting on you and you ask them flat out, they are going to lie. Secondly, if you ask them and they are not attached you will come out a little wacko right from the beginning.
The best way to make sure that you do not become the third wheel in a relationship is be aware of what signals to watch out for when someone is bluffing.
1. If they do not ever go anywhere with you in public, there is a reason! Moreover if they want to only go to places that are obscure and nowhere, where neither of you live, that is a bad sign. No one prefers one movie theater to another movie theater that much.
2. If they call you from blocked number, that is a big red flag. The majority of the world does not call from a blocked number and if he or she is interested in you, there is nothing wrong with you knowing his or her number.
3. If you are out together and their cell rings over and over, again, without them picking it up, that is a sign that they are attached to someone else. One: If someone were calling me over and over, I would answer to make sure everything is ok. Two: someone is calling over and over because they are worried about what that other person is doing or where they are.
4. If you notice that they always answer their cell on the first ring when you two are hanging out, but they do not answer when you call and take two days to get back to you they are probably married. Of if they only call at odd hours of the day and can never see you on the weekend they probably have a family.
5. If right from the start of your court ship, they call you ‘cute’ pet names like babe or beautiful, it is because they do not remember your name, they might slip up and say someone else’s name, or they are a womanizer. All of which are reasons to show them the door.
6. If a person is constantly questioning you about your dating agenda, or whether or not you are with someone else, most of the time it is because they are. Reality is the people who do the accusing are the ones committing the indiscretion.
However, some antis are unacceptable and need to be called out the minute that you detect that something is not right, like whether or not someone has a girl friend or is married. It is not feasible to ask every new person you meet whether or not they are already attached. First off, if they are hitting on you and you ask them flat out, they are going to lie. Secondly, if you ask them and they are not attached you will come out a little wacko right from the beginning.
The best way to make sure that you do not become the third wheel in a relationship is be aware of what signals to watch out for when someone is bluffing.
1. If they do not ever go anywhere with you in public, there is a reason! Moreover if they want to only go to places that are obscure and nowhere, where neither of you live, that is a bad sign. No one prefers one movie theater to another movie theater that much.
2. If they call you from blocked number, that is a big red flag. The majority of the world does not call from a blocked number and if he or she is interested in you, there is nothing wrong with you knowing his or her number.
3. If you are out together and their cell rings over and over, again, without them picking it up, that is a sign that they are attached to someone else. One: If someone were calling me over and over, I would answer to make sure everything is ok. Two: someone is calling over and over because they are worried about what that other person is doing or where they are.
4. If you notice that they always answer their cell on the first ring when you two are hanging out, but they do not answer when you call and take two days to get back to you they are probably married. Of if they only call at odd hours of the day and can never see you on the weekend they probably have a family.
5. If right from the start of your court ship, they call you ‘cute’ pet names like babe or beautiful, it is because they do not remember your name, they might slip up and say someone else’s name, or they are a womanizer. All of which are reasons to show them the door.
6. If a person is constantly questioning you about your dating agenda, or whether or not you are with someone else, most of the time it is because they are. Reality is the people who do the accusing are the ones committing the indiscretion.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Can I Have the Salmon with a Side of Tissues...
Working in a restaurant for the majority of my life has given me many interesting stories. You come across all walks of life, each trying to enjoy a nice meal. Unfortunately, some dining experiences are ruined because other couples go in there with the intent to discuss a personal matter such as ending a relationship.
Let me set something straight, going to a restaurant is not ok if you intend to break up with someone. It is rude and it creates an awkward situation for the people around you. Many people think that if they take their significant other to a restaurant to essentially break their heart, that they are avoiding dramatic situation. Reality is restaurant or no restaurant, that person is going to have a reaction. Putting them in a public place only makes it worse because they are left incapable of expressing what they feel. So many times I have walked up to take and order and one of them is trying to read the menu through teary eyes and tell me what they want to eat through snot infused speak. This is unfair to the person you are breaking up with. It is embarrassing and yes, people are watching. Ending a relationship is hurtful no matter what; rejection always hurts. Taking them out to eat to discuss things over dinner is counter-productive because they are unable to have real honest emotions, you estentially are backing them into a corner and forcing them to react the way that you want them to. They may be ok with ending the relationship, but if they are and you are why is it necessary to sit through an entire meal with someone that you don't want to be with?
If you want to break up in a public place because you do not want to do it at your house or over the phone, take them to a park. If you are worried about them growing angry, violent, or beg you not to leave them make sure that you do it around a high traffic area where people will be able to see their reaction. Being in a public place will hinder them from behaving inappropriately and allow you to avoid a dramatic scene while still giving them a chance to have an honest reaction.
Let me set something straight, going to a restaurant is not ok if you intend to break up with someone. It is rude and it creates an awkward situation for the people around you. Many people think that if they take their significant other to a restaurant to essentially break their heart, that they are avoiding dramatic situation. Reality is restaurant or no restaurant, that person is going to have a reaction. Putting them in a public place only makes it worse because they are left incapable of expressing what they feel. So many times I have walked up to take and order and one of them is trying to read the menu through teary eyes and tell me what they want to eat through snot infused speak. This is unfair to the person you are breaking up with. It is embarrassing and yes, people are watching. Ending a relationship is hurtful no matter what; rejection always hurts. Taking them out to eat to discuss things over dinner is counter-productive because they are unable to have real honest emotions, you estentially are backing them into a corner and forcing them to react the way that you want them to. They may be ok with ending the relationship, but if they are and you are why is it necessary to sit through an entire meal with someone that you don't want to be with?
If you want to break up in a public place because you do not want to do it at your house or over the phone, take them to a park. If you are worried about them growing angry, violent, or beg you not to leave them make sure that you do it around a high traffic area where people will be able to see their reaction. Being in a public place will hinder them from behaving inappropriately and allow you to avoid a dramatic scene while still giving them a chance to have an honest reaction.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Defy the Statistics
To clarify the last blog….
After reading my opinion on why it is a good idea to move in together before marriage, many people felt that I was giving bad advice because statistics say the opposite. Statistics show that, “more than eight out of ten couples who live together will break up either before the wedding or afterwards in divorce.” (Fowler, Statistics on Living Together before Marriage, www.rayfowler.org) This statistic fails to acknowledge that the likelihood of divorce or separation was always there, it just took moving in together to help people realize that they were not meant to be together; while it is valid, it does not delve into the reasons that people get married or why they get a divorce. People do not base their decision to marry on science they base it on emotion so unless you are marrying someone because it is a good decision statistically speaking statistics such as that should be taken with a grain of salt.
If you are thinking that someone is the ‘one’, then yes move in together to see whether or not you are compatible for the long haul. People should only move in together if they are planning to get married, it is done as a trial run, not as a way of trapping people into marriage. Most people when they move in together start to combine their lives right away and this is a bad idea. When you do move in with each other, you should retain your separate lives. It is not a good idea to ‘pretend’ that you are married. You should leave you bank accounts separate, you should still do activities without your partner, etc… The point of moving together is to see firsthand exactly who you are committing to spend the rest of your life with, not so you can play house.
The biggest mistake that people make after they move in together is that they realize things about each other that could be problematic in the future and they ignore them, because they ‘love’ each other. If at any point you think to yourself “hmm this could be problem” or “I don’t think I could deal with this the rest of my life,” then you two should reevaluate your relationship. If the problems are fixable, then fix them before you decided to walk down the aisle. If you cannot fix them before walking down the aisle, then the chances of you fixing them are unlikely and you will end up divorced. Most of the time people think that the problems will be fixed when they get married, but the problems only multiply when you are husband and wife. As a wife, or as a husband there are natural expectations set on both people and if you cannot live up to those expectations as roommates, why would you ever think that you could live up to them after you are married. There is no magical power in marriage. The power in marriage is based on the two people involved and if they are not capable of working the problems before marriage then they will not be able to just because they got married.
After reading my opinion on why it is a good idea to move in together before marriage, many people felt that I was giving bad advice because statistics say the opposite. Statistics show that, “more than eight out of ten couples who live together will break up either before the wedding or afterwards in divorce.” (Fowler, Statistics on Living Together before Marriage, www.rayfowler.org) This statistic fails to acknowledge that the likelihood of divorce or separation was always there, it just took moving in together to help people realize that they were not meant to be together; while it is valid, it does not delve into the reasons that people get married or why they get a divorce. People do not base their decision to marry on science they base it on emotion so unless you are marrying someone because it is a good decision statistically speaking statistics such as that should be taken with a grain of salt.
If you are thinking that someone is the ‘one’, then yes move in together to see whether or not you are compatible for the long haul. People should only move in together if they are planning to get married, it is done as a trial run, not as a way of trapping people into marriage. Most people when they move in together start to combine their lives right away and this is a bad idea. When you do move in with each other, you should retain your separate lives. It is not a good idea to ‘pretend’ that you are married. You should leave you bank accounts separate, you should still do activities without your partner, etc… The point of moving together is to see firsthand exactly who you are committing to spend the rest of your life with, not so you can play house.
The biggest mistake that people make after they move in together is that they realize things about each other that could be problematic in the future and they ignore them, because they ‘love’ each other. If at any point you think to yourself “hmm this could be problem” or “I don’t think I could deal with this the rest of my life,” then you two should reevaluate your relationship. If the problems are fixable, then fix them before you decided to walk down the aisle. If you cannot fix them before walking down the aisle, then the chances of you fixing them are unlikely and you will end up divorced. Most of the time people think that the problems will be fixed when they get married, but the problems only multiply when you are husband and wife. As a wife, or as a husband there are natural expectations set on both people and if you cannot live up to those expectations as roommates, why would you ever think that you could live up to them after you are married. There is no magical power in marriage. The power in marriage is based on the two people involved and if they are not capable of working the problems before marriage then they will not be able to just because they got married.
Monday, February 15, 2010
To Move In, Or Not to Move In….That Is the Question?
In the past moving in with someone before marriage was sinful. People looked at you as someone who has sold himself or herself short. Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free? This saying no longer applies to this society because most people give their milk away even if they do not live together.
People have to move in together before they can make a realistic, responsible decision regarding their future. People need to be able to see whom they are really committing to before they make that huge step, marriage. If a person does not live with their significant other they have to take what a person says about their life at face value.
Unfortunately, people only let a person see what they want them to. So many times I have heard people advise their friends to tell their significant other the good things first and tell them the ‘bad’ once have gotten to know ‘them’. This is wrong and manipulative. It traps a person into committing to someone who they do not really know. Yes, it is not a good idea to air your dirty laundry on the first date, but people are obligated to tell someone the whole truth about their life. This allows them to be aware of who they are choosing to be involved with. Moreover, it gives you the peace of mind knowing that your partner loves you for you; the good and the bad parts.
It is important to live with someone before marrying them because each person has to see if they are compatible on a day-to-day base. While you may have fun on a date, or have the same goals, wants, and dreams, it is the little things in life that make or break a relationship. Most arguments stem over small things and while it is easy to tell someone not to sweat the small stuff, reality is that we all sweat it. When someone is constantly messy and the other has to continually clean up after him or her the relationship becomes a chore. If someone seems like a social drinker, but you find out that after work they drink a 12 pack a night, they are an addict. If someone says they enjoy football, but you find at home their eyes are glued to sport center every second of the day, they become neglectful to your emotional needs.
If you are against moving in together because it violates your religious values then move into a two bed-room apartment. If you are truly devote in your religious beliefs you will stick to your morals no matter what the circumstances are, period. Yes, other people will gossip and say it is wrong but they are not the people you should be listening to and they are not supposed to judge you. You know what the dynamics of your relationship are intimately. You and God know the truth, and that is all that matters. Moving in together before marriage will eliminate the chance of divorce because you will be able to see if you can work as a team; if you can build a household that is functional and emotionally/physically safe.
People have to move in together before they can make a realistic, responsible decision regarding their future. People need to be able to see whom they are really committing to before they make that huge step, marriage. If a person does not live with their significant other they have to take what a person says about their life at face value.
Unfortunately, people only let a person see what they want them to. So many times I have heard people advise their friends to tell their significant other the good things first and tell them the ‘bad’ once have gotten to know ‘them’. This is wrong and manipulative. It traps a person into committing to someone who they do not really know. Yes, it is not a good idea to air your dirty laundry on the first date, but people are obligated to tell someone the whole truth about their life. This allows them to be aware of who they are choosing to be involved with. Moreover, it gives you the peace of mind knowing that your partner loves you for you; the good and the bad parts.
It is important to live with someone before marrying them because each person has to see if they are compatible on a day-to-day base. While you may have fun on a date, or have the same goals, wants, and dreams, it is the little things in life that make or break a relationship. Most arguments stem over small things and while it is easy to tell someone not to sweat the small stuff, reality is that we all sweat it. When someone is constantly messy and the other has to continually clean up after him or her the relationship becomes a chore. If someone seems like a social drinker, but you find out that after work they drink a 12 pack a night, they are an addict. If someone says they enjoy football, but you find at home their eyes are glued to sport center every second of the day, they become neglectful to your emotional needs.
If you are against moving in together because it violates your religious values then move into a two bed-room apartment. If you are truly devote in your religious beliefs you will stick to your morals no matter what the circumstances are, period. Yes, other people will gossip and say it is wrong but they are not the people you should be listening to and they are not supposed to judge you. You know what the dynamics of your relationship are intimately. You and God know the truth, and that is all that matters. Moving in together before marriage will eliminate the chance of divorce because you will be able to see if you can work as a team; if you can build a household that is functional and emotionally/physically safe.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
Earlier today, I came across an article written about keeping the romance alive in relationships. The first bit of advice they gave was to tell your significant other that you love them at least once a day. It advised that a person should do it even if they do not have the time to say it their face, i.e. doing it through a text message or a phone call. While this is good advice for a new relationship, after a while saying, or texting, I love you just to say it is counterproductive.
Actions speak louder than words. Simply saying I love is not enough to make a person feel wanted. On the contrary, when a relationship hits the six-month mark saying I love you becomes repetitive and mundane. I am sure all of us have been in a relationship where, “I love you” is shortly followed by “Why?” Your significant other is asking “why” because your actions do not match up to what you are saying. “You love me, but you would rather be with your friends on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday?” “You love me but when we go to rent movies we always have to watch what you want to watch.”
Moreover saying I love you is an objective statement. Next time you get the urge to tell your significant other the L-word, really think about what you are saying. Make you act of love specific to the individual. Statements made specifically for him or her have more meaning and credibility. If your schedule is so busy that you have to text them or call them, as oppossed to saying it to their face, tell them exactly what you miss about them, or why you love them. For example: “I cannot wait to watch a movie with you tonight,” “I miss my best friend,” “Friday date night could not come soon enough,” “I look forward to our evening walks,”etc…People are good at sorting out the bullshit from the truth. Simply saying I love is not enough to bring the spark back into a relationship, especially if you are saying it because you think it is the appropriate thing to do.
Automatically people think that it takes to much work to show their significant other that they love them; that there are not enough hours in the day to make time to show them that they love them, but this is incorrect. I had a boyfriend once who loved red toe nail polish, which I absolutely hated, but I started to make sure that I painted me toes red. Silly, right? Wrong it showed that I cared about him and wanted to consider his needs; painting my toenails red was a small sacrifice to show him that I loved him. And let's face it, the color kind of grew on me and the smile on his face everytime he saw my newly polished toenails made me just as happy as it nade him.
When you ‘love’ a person you should know them inside and out, and know what it takes to show you, not only care, but that you appreciate them as a person and as your companion. Things like taking out the trash without being asked, or making sure dirty dishes are not left in the sink is enough to express your love, and when that person thanks you for doing those things, this is the time to tell them “I do it because I love you.”
Actions speak louder than words. Simply saying I love is not enough to make a person feel wanted. On the contrary, when a relationship hits the six-month mark saying I love you becomes repetitive and mundane. I am sure all of us have been in a relationship where, “I love you” is shortly followed by “Why?” Your significant other is asking “why” because your actions do not match up to what you are saying. “You love me, but you would rather be with your friends on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday?” “You love me but when we go to rent movies we always have to watch what you want to watch.”
Moreover saying I love you is an objective statement. Next time you get the urge to tell your significant other the L-word, really think about what you are saying. Make you act of love specific to the individual. Statements made specifically for him or her have more meaning and credibility. If your schedule is so busy that you have to text them or call them, as oppossed to saying it to their face, tell them exactly what you miss about them, or why you love them. For example: “I cannot wait to watch a movie with you tonight,” “I miss my best friend,” “Friday date night could not come soon enough,” “I look forward to our evening walks,”etc…People are good at sorting out the bullshit from the truth. Simply saying I love is not enough to bring the spark back into a relationship, especially if you are saying it because you think it is the appropriate thing to do.
Automatically people think that it takes to much work to show their significant other that they love them; that there are not enough hours in the day to make time to show them that they love them, but this is incorrect. I had a boyfriend once who loved red toe nail polish, which I absolutely hated, but I started to make sure that I painted me toes red. Silly, right? Wrong it showed that I cared about him and wanted to consider his needs; painting my toenails red was a small sacrifice to show him that I loved him. And let's face it, the color kind of grew on me and the smile on his face everytime he saw my newly polished toenails made me just as happy as it nade him.
When you ‘love’ a person you should know them inside and out, and know what it takes to show you, not only care, but that you appreciate them as a person and as your companion. Things like taking out the trash without being asked, or making sure dirty dishes are not left in the sink is enough to express your love, and when that person thanks you for doing those things, this is the time to tell them “I do it because I love you.”
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Effective Communication
It is funny how people can never understand what went wrong in failed relationships. People complain to others and whine about what his or her significant other is doing, or that they do not understand why he or she is behaving a certain way, but do they ever stop where it all took a turn for the worst. The majority of relationships fail because there is a lack of communication. The world is blind to the art of effective communication and often confuse arguing with communicating.
Communication is a two way street, with stop signs and signal lights. People have to listen just as much as they speak and they have to know the appropriate times to stop and times to go. Each premise is based on the situation at hand, but here are a few ground rules to ensure that each person if effectively communicating and will not have an argument that ends their relationships.
1. Before two people even start to address and issue, both must understand that it is not about winning or losing, it about achieving a tie. Communication is associated with the other bad ‘c’ word compromise. Even after both parties have gotten their point across they are still left with figuring out what to do about it. Good communication is the realization that both partied have to adjust their points of view if they want the turmoil to settle. There has to be a conclusion where both parties feel that they are not being taken advantage of or walked all over. If one person always gets their way and the other person is always negating their own needs, the problems will never be resolved and resurface later in their realtionship.
2. Never use, “You make me feel.” Never use, “I feel.” When communicating say “This makes me feel.” Addressing the issue and not yourself or the other party establishes objectivity to the subject that makes people more willing to listen and understand where the person is coming from.
3. It is ok to let people take a time out if the argument starts to become heated. However, when each returns, instead of jumping right back in, each party needs to regurgitate what the other was saying. For example, “When we were talking I heard this….am I not understanding you right?” This will give the other person a chance to clarify their position, and move forward. This is the important thing to do after a ‘time out’ because it eliminates the possibility of the intense argument to continue.
4. In relevance to number 3, never go to bed angry! Issues must be discussed when they occur so they can nipped in the butt before a molehill turns into a mountain. Moreover, most people who go to bed angry just wake up even angrier because they have stewed over it all night.
5. This is the most important rule: Never bring up the past! U-turns are illegal on the road to good communication, unless the past is brought up to establish empathy from the other person. For example, “Do you remember the time when I came home late and it upset you because I didn’t call to tell you that I was ok? This situation is making me feel the same way.” People need to bring the situation into a light where the other person can understand where he or she is coming from. But it is never ok to bring up the past to point the finger because it is counter-productive in the relationship and makes them feel like they are being attacked.
6. In conjunction with number, six people have to stick to the topic. It is never ok to start making personal attacks. When people start to become frustrated because the other person does not understand their point of view, they resort to name-calling. “You’re stupid” “You’re crazy” Comments like those are hurtful, add fuel to the fire and will start a brand new argument.
If people keep these six rules in mind there is no argument to big to resolve. Happy Communicating!!!
Communication is a two way street, with stop signs and signal lights. People have to listen just as much as they speak and they have to know the appropriate times to stop and times to go. Each premise is based on the situation at hand, but here are a few ground rules to ensure that each person if effectively communicating and will not have an argument that ends their relationships.
1. Before two people even start to address and issue, both must understand that it is not about winning or losing, it about achieving a tie. Communication is associated with the other bad ‘c’ word compromise. Even after both parties have gotten their point across they are still left with figuring out what to do about it. Good communication is the realization that both partied have to adjust their points of view if they want the turmoil to settle. There has to be a conclusion where both parties feel that they are not being taken advantage of or walked all over. If one person always gets their way and the other person is always negating their own needs, the problems will never be resolved and resurface later in their realtionship.
2. Never use, “You make me feel.” Never use, “I feel.” When communicating say “This makes me feel.” Addressing the issue and not yourself or the other party establishes objectivity to the subject that makes people more willing to listen and understand where the person is coming from.
3. It is ok to let people take a time out if the argument starts to become heated. However, when each returns, instead of jumping right back in, each party needs to regurgitate what the other was saying. For example, “When we were talking I heard this….am I not understanding you right?” This will give the other person a chance to clarify their position, and move forward. This is the important thing to do after a ‘time out’ because it eliminates the possibility of the intense argument to continue.
4. In relevance to number 3, never go to bed angry! Issues must be discussed when they occur so they can nipped in the butt before a molehill turns into a mountain. Moreover, most people who go to bed angry just wake up even angrier because they have stewed over it all night.
5. This is the most important rule: Never bring up the past! U-turns are illegal on the road to good communication, unless the past is brought up to establish empathy from the other person. For example, “Do you remember the time when I came home late and it upset you because I didn’t call to tell you that I was ok? This situation is making me feel the same way.” People need to bring the situation into a light where the other person can understand where he or she is coming from. But it is never ok to bring up the past to point the finger because it is counter-productive in the relationship and makes them feel like they are being attacked.
6. In conjunction with number, six people have to stick to the topic. It is never ok to start making personal attacks. When people start to become frustrated because the other person does not understand their point of view, they resort to name-calling. “You’re stupid” “You’re crazy” Comments like those are hurtful, add fuel to the fire and will start a brand new argument.
If people keep these six rules in mind there is no argument to big to resolve. Happy Communicating!!!
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